Endings...

My friend found out that her third IVF was unsuccessful a week ago.  It was her and her husband's last attempt.  And it didn't work.

This particular friend is probably one of my very best friends in the world.  We've only been friends for a few years, but in those few years, we've grown close.  We started fertility treatments at about the same time, although they had been trying a lot longer.  Infertility brought us together.  Even though we had different issues to contend with, it was a road we could walk together.  She was a huge support to me.  She was always there when I needed someone to listen.  She was someone that was going through what I was going through.  I had a lot of support (friends, family, etc) from people that didn't get it, but she was one of the few people I knew in real life that could really comprehend what infertility felt like.  I can't even begin to describe how much she (and her husband) have meant to me and my husband.  After every single miscarriage, she was the first person I called.  She was the only person (other than my husband) that I really wanted to talk to about it.  We'd go out together and celebrate our unsuccessful cycles with drinks.  When the entire world seemed to be pregnant except for us, we had each other.  She was someone else who understood how hard showers were, and mother's day....  and father's day for that matter.  Oh.  And every other holiday.  As hard as infertility was, I felt totally blessed to have a dear friend to get through it with.

Obviously, I got pregnant last year.  She knew from the very beginning because I thought I was miscarrying again and told her.   Of course, I didn't.  Husband and I didn't want to share the news until we felt like we had a decent chance of staying pregnant.  She kept our secret.  She threw me a fantastic baby shower.  She was excited for me when I got to announce my pregnancy to our friends.  She's totally spoiled my little boy with presents.  She was the first person to show up to visit me in the hospital after he was born.  And her and her husband had dinner waiting for us at our house when we got home from the hospital.  I know how hard watching other people be pregnant and have children can be when you are dealing with infertility, but she has continued to love on my baby boy.  She's handled things a lot better than I would have if it had been the other way around.

I always knew that she was going to eventually get pregnant.  Because her and her husband would be awesome parents.  Because she wanted it so badly.  Because we did and she should have too.  Because she has been trying for so long.  Because she has done so much to get pregnant.  Because she was on her third IVF cycle.

But she didn't.  And she's done trying.  And it breaks my heart.

We haven't really talked about it.  She says that she doesn't want to.  And I'm fine to not.

Because, quite honestly, I don't have a clue what to say.  Because there isn't anything to say.  Nothing I can say will fix anything.  Nothing I can say can make it better.  I feel like anything I have to offer is just going to make things worse...  will come out in a way that is hurtful.  Which is the last thing I want to do.  I'm happy to listen if that is ever what she wants.  But that's all I can do.  Because there aren't any words...  I can't tell her that it'll work out.  Or that things will be okay.  Because right now, they aren't.  I can't comprehend what she is feeling right now.  What am I suppose to say?

To be quite honest, I don't know how to support this person that has been so good to me.  And my family.  Someone I care a lot about.  I wish I knew how.  But I'm just not sure that I'm the right person.  Or if there is a right person.  I have my baby.  I had my success.  I had my happy ending.  Yes, I know that infertility hurts.  But I haven't been where she is.  I've never been at the end without hope.  I can't imagine what she is going through.  And so I don't know how to be there.  I don't know what to do.  I feel like my being around her makes things worse.  I just want things to be better.

I don't really know if anyone even reads this blog anymore.  But how do you deal with this?  What are you suppose to do?  How are you suppose to make this better?  Because I don't know.  I guess this post is more for me.  This has always been the place that I could express my feelings about infertility during my journey.  Which is what I need to do.  Because I can't stop thinking about it.  My heart just hurts.

I hate infertility.

Take that, infertility....

It took longer than I ever thought possible, but our little boy is finally here.

Take that, infertility.

As hard as our journey was... As much disappointment and frustration as we faced... I can honestly say that it was totally worth it.

Thanks to everyone out there that supported me during this whole journey. The infertility blog community is absolutely, positively amazing. I've been honored to be able to share my story with you and I've been honored to be a part of yours. I'll be continuing to follow your journeys :)

For anyone out there that is still waiting on their miracle, hang in there. I understand hopelessness and sadness. But I'm here to tell you that good things can happen. No matter how impossible it seems. Praying that your miracle happens very soon. Baby dust.

How things change...

There aren't a lot of dates that stick out to me from 2011. I don't remember the exact day of our third miscarriage. I don't remember the date of my positive pregnancy test with my viable pregnancy. I don't remember the date of my first ultrasound.

I do remember January 3, 2011. I'm not sure why that date sticks in my head.

A year ago today, I had a follow-up appointment with my RE. It was to discuss our course of action after my second miscarriage. I remember leaving the appointment totally frustrated and not at all hopeful.

Exactly one year later, I had an appointment with my OB. I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant. And my OB says things are still right on track. It is just strange how much can change in one year. To be honest, last January I didn't think I'd ever be where I am now.

Change is... weird.

I officially hit 24 weeks today. Which is that magical week of gestation where baby is deemed medically "viable". Which means even if he were born now, he'd stand a chance of surviving (although I'm very content with him to stay in my belly a little bit longer!). But just knowing that is super weird and super wonderful all at the same time. That fact, being able to feel baby moving, and a little baby bump all make this part of pregnancy my favorite so far.

We bought a crib and a dresser for the nursery over the weekend. It gets delivered sometime this week. And our guest bedroom officially started to become a nursery today. We gave our guest bed and guest dresser to a friend. So now, the room sits empty, waiting for it's crib. But it is just weird to have the guest room stuff gone. And maybe a little scary (really, if it were up to me, I'd wait until I was like 38 weeks to start buying stuff).... I guess it is just sinking in that things are changing...

I still haven't entirely convinced myself that we'll have a baby by February. Oh sure, my doctor assures me that everything is going fine with this pregnancy. In fact, it doesn't totally shock me anymore when he checks doppler heart tones and there is actually one there. I'm not as terrified about miscarrying as I was early one... in fact, I'm actually starting to relax and enjoy being pregnant. And I've been talking names with Husband, buying baby clothes, and registering... but it just doesn't seem real. I guess at the back of my head, I know that something could still go wrong. But here I am at 24 weeks. I'm not sure how we're even here... but I'm thrilled about it.

I guess throughout our infertility journey, my focus simply became to get pregnant. And stay pregnant. And that was as far as I let myself take it. I felt like if I let myself venture farther than I'd just end up hurt and disappointed. Yes, I wanted a baby SO badly. But that goal just seemed too out of reach. I was just shooting for pregnant. After all, we'd tried for quite a while to get pregnant. We went through unsuccessful cycles, miscarriages... so much frustration and disappointment. I guess there was just a part of me that wondered if we'd ever have a successful pregnancy.... much less an actual baby.

So the fact that we are where we are is just plain strange. I just haven't wrapped my head around it. Although I wouldn't change where I am for anything in the world. Every week, I'm amazed to realize our little boy has made it another week. I guess our infertility journey was full of lots of hopeless.... so hopeful is a totally new (and strange) feeling!

19 weeks and 4 days.

I had my anatomy ultrasound yesterday. Apparently all part of the baby are looking just fine. Nothing looks weird or scary or abnormal. (Sigh of relief). Baby is weighing about a whopping 9 ounces. The doctor says he has a "beautiful heart". Yup. Baby's pretty darn cute already.

And he is definitely a baby boy :)

I don't really think Husband or I would have cared either way. I think we were just aiming for a healthy baby with a heartbeat. I guess two years of infertility and three miscarriages just kind of makes you not so picky about silly things like gender.

In other good news, my OB finally put me on some reflux medicine. Nasty reflux is the only 1st trimester annoyance that hasn't gotten better yet. I'm pretty excited about that too! My next OB appointment is in another 4 weeks. I have my glucose tolerance test at that appointment. I have this nagging feeling that I stand a pretty decent chance of failing it. My RE always said that he didn't think my PCOS affected my blood sugar/insulin resistance (because I'm skinny), but I'm not sure I agree with him to this day. I'm not sure if PCOS puts you at a greater risk for gestational diabetes or not (regular diabetes yes, but who knows). I haven't googled it and I don't plan to.

Still keeping up with all of you y'all (and very excited about all these BFPs lately!)

Checking In :)

I'm almost 16 weeks (I officially hit it on Thursday). I had an OB appointment today. My OB went ahead and did an ultrasound today after the my little ER episode a few weeks ago. He just wanted to make sure everything looked okay and said he thought I'd probably want to make sure everything was okay too. Um... He was right about that! Apparently he has figured me out in the total of three times I've seen him.

Anyways, baby was fine. Still has a little heart beating away. And a spine. Which was different from last time I think. I was kind of surprised to see it! Things change a lot in a few weeks.

Other then that, we've just been around. Husband and I have slowly been telling people over the last few weeks. It is amazing how fast and furious news spreads though. Even people we haven't told seem to know. I've not officially done the whole facebook announcement type of thing. I'm not sure that I will. At least not for awhile. I just don't know that I feel like broadcasting it to the whole world quite yet.

Anyways, I think I am going to drop in for updates every so often on this blog so don't stop checking in/delete me from your blog reader! I've had more people than I expected actually tell me that they LIKE reading about our pregnancy. (By the way blogging friends, thank you for your support! You guys are awesome!). I'm probably keep my updates pretty short though (as long as things continue to go as they've gone).

I have another blog (my "real-life" blog). It is kind of about my all aspects of my life NOT fertility. Although I think I'm going to do most of the pregnancy posts over there. If you'd like to read more than updates, I can direct you to that blog. (Of course, if not, that is totally fine too!).

I still kind of want to maintain this blog as mainly fertility. You know. Just because.

Baby dust to y'all!

I really did mean what I said about liking no drama...

In my previous post, I promise I wasn't complaining about the lack of interesting things going on. I was just informing.

Apparently my body didn't get that. Or my body just likes drama. Whatever.

I've been starting to get a little less stressed about this pregnancy. I've actually been starting to get really excited. Go me.

So, this afternoon, I got home from running some errands. While in the restroom, I realized that I was spotting. Honest to goodness dark pink/light red spotting. And I kept spotting every time I wiped. And then I about had a heart attack. In my experience, spotting = bad. Oh. And a side note about our miscarriage history. Ours always seem to happen right before a holiday. Our first one happened right before Husband's birthday and a week before our anniversary. We found out our second pregnancy wasn't viable the day before Thanksgiving. And our last one happened right before St. Patty's day. My birthday is tomorrow which freaked me out even more.

I called my doctor's office to let them know about the spotting. I thought they'd just have me come to office and check me, although I was pretty sure what was happening. After all, I'm only 13 weeks tomorrow. It isn't like there is anything they could do for a miscarriage. But no. They sent me to the hospital. Hello, OB/GYN ER.

Husband got home from work early today. About the time that all of this was going down. So, he drove me to the hospital. Once we got to the hospital, things moved pretty quick for us. Husband works for the same hospital and was still wearing his scrubs (we'd left home pretty darn quick). The staff was pretty good about hustling things along. At first, the triage nurse was kind of rude. Like she didn't understand why I was there. But once we got to discussing my OB history, she kind of backed off and was really nice. I got lab work done (they couldn't access all the lab results I had drawn last week at my OB appt). I had vital signs done. I also got a pelvic exam and an ultrasound.

The good news is that everything looked fine today. Baby still had a good heart beat. Baby was still moving around. Cervix was closed. And other than finding some blood during my pelvic exam, the on-call doctor said everything looked fine. She was really patient and nice. She explained that sometimes spotting happens in pregnancy, that in pregnancy your cervix has more blood flow to it (?) and makes it more sensitive, that sometimes strenuous activity can cause spotting (I did exercise this morning...), and that she thought that my spotting should stop soon. Oh. And that I should take it a little bit easier. So no definitive reason for the spotting, but whatever. I guess as long as everything else looked good, I'd go with it. The doctor printed off an ultrasound picture for me to take home (so I could show it to baby someday and tell him/her about how she flipped Husband and I out!). It isn't as great of quality as our last one ( I guess abdominal ultrasound pictures are clearer than trasnvaginal, but whatever), but it still makes me happy. The doctor also told me that any time something was wrong that I could come back to the OB/GYN ER and that I didn't even have to call my doctor. Husband just looked at me, rolled his eyes, and later informed me that we would NOT be going back every week just so I could see baby on a weekly basis. Apparently I had that look in my eye. Not that I would do that...

So, a totally scary day that ended up reassuring. I thought I was going to have to hold out until my next OB appointment to hear another heartbeat. Guess not. Although I can assure you that I would have rather not spotted and just waited...

At any rate, God is really good. Husband and I are totally relieved (and exhausted!) even though I'm still pretty scared to set foot in a restroom. And I did get to see baby again... the best early birthday gift EVER!

Although my body needs to start cooperating. I'm not digging this drama thing. Bring back the boring!!